A letter to Bean

To my child that never came,

     This letter is long overdue, but lately you have been on my mind so much more than normal.  You know that I think about you everyday, but I don't normally cry and rub my belly wishing you were still inside me growing.Today is one of those days.  I don't know why now almost seven years after losing you I'm so affected by your death, but I am. I have heard people say that you really don't know what love is until you hold your baby for the first time. Sometimes that statement makes me so angry!  I DO KNOW, DAMN IT!  At least I think I know.... but really I don't know.  I have no idea whether you were a boy or a girl (although my gut tells me you were a girl). I don't know what you looked like, smelled like, felt like, nothing.  Sometimes I'm jealous of those you have been able to hold their child even though their child died.  I feel extreme guilt for thinking that as well.  I feel like I should be thankful that I didn't have to buy you a casket, have a funeral, or anything like that. Just writing these words to you I'm crying and feeling so many emotions. I miss you Bean, I love you so much and I always will. I know that you left me so that I could escape from a very horrible relationship in which I would have eventually ended my life and that would have meant you would have had to stay with your father. I'm so thankful to you and God for that, but on days like this I have a hard time dealing with this fact.  My womb is empty and will always be.  I will never have a child, you were my one and only, NO wait you ARE my one and only! I wear a band around my wrist that says "Mom of an Angel". My foot is tattooed with your name so that I can see you everyday. I miss you so much and I wonder what it would be like if you were here.  You would be turning seven this year. Seven, wow!  I know you know this but I still have to tell you.  I wanted you very badly, I prayed for you and was so devastated when you left me. I was so angry at God and Danny and myself.  I thought about everything I have ever done wrong in my life and wondered if this was God's punishment for that. And even though my relationship with God has changed and improved, sometimes like today, I still wonder. I found this poem that I think really speaks to how I feel about losing you I hope you like it. Forever your mother.

My Angel Baby

© Heather

I never got to see your eyes,

or hold your hand, or hear your cries.

All I have are dreams of you,

those of which, will never come true.

My heart sank the day that I knew,

I would never get to meet you.

I had made plans, and had aspirations,

if only I had a little more patience.

I never thought the Lord would take you

away from me so soon.

But, I'll never forget that dismal day,

around two in the afternoon.

The day I knew something was not right,

and through many tears I would have to fight.

Now, all I do is dream every night,

about what life would have been like.

What if you really had been born?

But all we have a dreams of that,

and all we can do is mourn.

We will not mourn for you though,

because we know you're where you need to be,

even though it isn't here with me.

You are my angel baby because God wanted you with Him.

Now, forever with his angels, His praises you will sing.

None of my dreams for you will ever come true,

because of that day God chose to take you.

But, my angel baby you will always be,

in my heart forever, forever a part of me.

Source: My Angel Baby, Baby Death Poem http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/my-angel-baby#ixzz2TbOi8g8Q 
www.FamilyFriendPoems.com 

Lysol Touch of Foam is awesome!

Omg you guys,  so as you know I'm a Bzz Agent and I got to try this new Lysol Touch of Foam and holy crap it was great. It not only coated both my hands, it made them smooth and I could smell the fragrance for about two hours after using it!  So excited.. This stuff is great!!  #GotItFree  #LovinLysol

Feeding my addiction

I am so totally addicted to reading!!  And since I'm no longer in school I have more time.. yay me!  So far in since mid January I have been reading up a storm.

I read:
A Million Little Pieces by James Frey- About Addiction (hahaha... not to books)

American Gods by Neil Gaiman

When you are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris

Heck: Where the Bad Kids Go by Dale Basye

Wow time gets away from me

Sitting here at my desk and I realize that I haven't blogged in a while...Shame on me!!

Much has happened since the beginning of the year. After two bouts of being very ill, two mental breakdowns and much more time feeling sorry for myself....I am admitting defeat.  I have never quit anything in my life until now.  S and my vicar say "You're not quitting you're just taking a break".  Well it doesn't feel like it to me.  I have decided to take a year leave of absence from graduate school.  I have so many mixed emotions about this it's still hard to write them all out.

Fear

Relief

Anger

Sadness

Happiness

Confusion

Numbness

I do have to admit that after I made the decision I immediately felt like a weight had been lifted off me. I still hate the fact that I am no longer working on my Master's and part of me think I won't go back, but right now, right at the moment it's what I need to do.

Soooo... since I don't have homework anymore. I have been reading like crazy.  I finally finished American Gods by Neil Gaiman, it was fantastic!  I also started and finished (two days later) A Million Little Pieces by James Frey and have started another book: When You Are Engulfed In Flames by David Sedaris.

On a side note:  I found my first white hair!!!!  Argh

Christmas in Wisconsin

S and I spent Christmas in Wisconsin with the in-laws.  We had a bad snow storm two days before we left and the Jeep runs so crappy. I was so worried. S showed up to my work to tell me that the Jeep was stuck in the parking lot.  Are you freaking kidding me!!!  It's a Jeep.

I was able to get the Jeep unstuck from the parking lot only to get it stuck in our parking lot at the house!!  Seriously!!!  I had to have someone take S home from school and me picked up for work on Friday morning. S spent the day digging the Jeep out of the ice and snow so that we could  leave Saturday morning to go to Wisconsin.  Luckily S was a wonder and got the Jeep on stuck.  We left for Wisconsin about an hour late, but off we went.  We took the dogs and the new puppy (for S's mom) on the trip. The drive was uneventful until about 20 minutes outside our destination when the piece that covers the under part of the engine tried to fall off. We had to bungee cord it together to make it to her parents house. lol

Upon arrival at S's parents we were greeted by Dad and brother, Mom was still at work.  It was very awkward. This is the first time that I have been under the same roof as them since S came out (S didn't realize that until we came home) not uncomfortable for me at all.

All in all things went good, but I was exhausted from them and I'm the extroverted one. I was happy to leave but it was a nice break from KV.

Too Much

It's just too much. I have no idea what the hell I did and apparently keep doing but I'm doing it wrong. I don't even know why I care so much. I shouldn't, not even one single bit. But I do, and that's bother the crap out of me. I am over thinking every single move you make or don't and over analyzing my reactions. I have prayed (but I guess not enough) to stop giving a damn about you.  I am so happy that I only have 162 more days here and then I never have to see you again. EVER!!!  I know that we are not friends (even though you say we are).  I know that I will be deleted off of things once I leave and that you will talk shit about me, but really do I deserve that?  When I met you I thought I finally have a friend here, someone that I could talk to, tell my stuff to and hangout with and for awhile it was cool. Now, ICE pure ICE. Maybe you don't even know that you are doing it but if you do then you are truly messed up.  I probably shouldn't even be posting this, but I don't know what else to do.