This letter is long overdue, but lately you have been on my mind so much more than normal. You know that I think about you everyday, but I don't normally cry and rub my belly wishing you were still inside me growing.Today is one of those days. I don't know why now almost seven years after losing you I'm so affected by your death, but I am. I have heard people say that you really don't know what love is until you hold your baby for the first time. Sometimes that statement makes me so angry! I DO KNOW, DAMN IT! At least I think I know.... but really I don't know. I have no idea whether you were a boy or a girl (although my gut tells me you were a girl). I don't know what you looked like, smelled like, felt like, nothing. Sometimes I'm jealous of those you have been able to hold their child even though their child died. I feel extreme guilt for thinking that as well. I feel like I should be thankful that I didn't have to buy you a casket, have a funeral, or anything like that. Just writing these words to you I'm crying and feeling so many emotions. I miss you Bean, I love you so much and I always will. I know that you left me so that I could escape from a very horrible relationship in which I would have eventually ended my life and that would have meant you would have had to stay with your father. I'm so thankful to you and God for that, but on days like this I have a hard time dealing with this fact. My womb is empty and will always be. I will never have a child, you were my one and only, NO wait you ARE my one and only! I wear a band around my wrist that says "Mom of an Angel". My foot is tattooed with your name so that I can see you everyday. I miss you so much and I wonder what it would be like if you were here. You would be turning seven this year. Seven, wow! I know you know this but I still have to tell you. I wanted you very badly, I prayed for you and was so devastated when you left me. I was so angry at God and Danny and myself. I thought about everything I have ever done wrong in my life and wondered if this was God's punishment for that. And even though my relationship with God has changed and improved, sometimes like today, I still wonder. I found this poem that I think really speaks to how I feel about losing you I hope you like it. Forever your mother.
My Angel Baby
© Heather
I never got to see your eyes,
or hold your hand, or hear your cries.
All I have are dreams of you,
those of which, will never come true.
My heart sank the day that I knew,
I would never get to meet you.
I had made plans, and had aspirations,
if only I had a little more patience.
I never thought the Lord would take you
away from me so soon.
But, I'll never forget that dismal day,
around two in the afternoon.
The day I knew something was not right,
and through many tears I would have to fight.
Now, all I do is dream every night,
about what life would have been like.
What if you really had been born?
But all we have a dreams of that,
and all we can do is mourn.
We will not mourn for you though,
because we know you're where you need to be,
even though it isn't here with me.
You are my angel baby because God wanted you with Him.
Now, forever with his angels, His praises you will sing.
None of my dreams for you will ever come true,
because of that day God chose to take you.
But, my angel baby you will always be,
in my heart forever, forever a part of me.
Source: My Angel Baby, Baby Death Poem http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/my-angel-baby#ixzz2TbOi8g8Q
www.FamilyFriendPoems.com
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