Day 22- A picture of something you wish you were better at (this turned into a vent session)

I have the best of intentions and usually can start something, stick with it for about a week and then WHAM it's gone!  I suck at Discipline. The funny thing is that I used to be the most disciplined person that I knew(people would comment on it all the time). In high school I was up at 6 a.m., be at school by 7:00 for color guard practice, attend all my classes.  I would have weightlifting for 3 hours and then Cheer leading practice for an hour and half after school. Not to mention my routine on game days(lots more stuff after school).

My eating was very disciplined as well. Always appropriate meals with the right amount of protein, carbs, and fats.  I got great sleep and my homework was always completed(ahead of time) and I worked part-time as well. 

Fast forward 16 years (holy crap I have been out of high school for THAT long!) and I have absolutely no discipline. NONE

I can clean the house (just one example) and promise myself that I will clean and keep up with the house( I even make a chore chart, yes at my age I still make choir charts) and I do great for about 3 days and then boom the house is trashed again. I'm totally upset about it, bitching and moaning, whining and crying, yelling and screaming to S, but do I do anything about it?  NOPE except make a list of all the things that I need to clean again (even though I have that damn chore chart).

I know that I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, but REALLY?  Does it totally make you a worthless human being that has absolutely no discipline at all? It sure seems like it.  How the heck did that happen? How could I have truly lost all my discipline? How the heck do I get it back? I want so badly to be that person that was sooo disciplined! 

Day 21- A picture of something you wish you could forget

                                                  At first I tried to think of things that I wish I could forget like my first marriage, being robbed at gunpoint, losing bean, losing my step-mom and my aunts, things like that.  But then I realized that all those events have changed my life in different ways. Some better, some worse but all with a learning experience. Today also helped me to remember some of the things that your mind lets you forget when your not trying to remember. So Nothing is the picture I chose.  I do not wish to forgot anything, NOTHING at all. 

Day 20- Somewhere you'd love to travel

Ireland 

Day 19- A picture and a Letter

I thought this was fitting for Advent. It creates so much imagery for my life.

A planetary nebula designated NGC 2818, photographed by the Hubble Telescope. By NASA, ESA, and the Hubble Heritage Team (STScI/AURA)

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness. God called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night." And there was evening, and there was morning - the first day.

- Genesis 1:1 - 5

http://blog.christianitytoday.com/images/2009/05/creation-day-one.html

The letter A: 

It is Advent season, the start of something new and the anticipation of something exciting.  This is how I feel about this season. I am learning to make peace with the things that have happened and look forward to the things yet to come! 

Day 18- A picture of your biggest insecurity

 

I swore to myself that I would never have a best friend again. I thought I was karmically destined to be alone in that department. I was right.  With the exception of only two people in my entire life, each bff has ripped my heart out and burnt it to a crisp. 

This time though I thought that I might be deserving of one and thought that I had found one, but just like the day changes to night so did this relationship. I am not so full of myself to think that I am totally the reason that our friendship has changed, but it's hard not too when you have been shut out without explanation. And in all reality maybe I am 100% the reason. I could just be that shitty of a person (I will definitely ponder that thought).

I have cried, yelled, and prayed that I would know why the friendship changed and what I did wrong but the answer is not coming to me. So now I am giving it to God and letting it go because these feelings I have are destroying me. I am now telling myself the truth for the first time that I have lost her and that just kills me. 

People are correct Karma is a bitch! and I must have been a terrible person (or maybe I am currently) in a past life and am just getting what I deserve. 

Day 17

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

I have two friends right now that I cannot express how much they mean to me. They are both people that I would have NEVER expected to care so much about, not because they are bad people but they are just so very different from how I was raised and what I'm used to. One of these friends reaches me on a level I can only describe and my long lost sister, my twin, my duplicate. The other friend has experienced some of the same loss that I have and knows my thoughts and understands them even when no one else does.  I hold these friends in the highest regards. They are my ROCK!!

I Feel.....

Anger....deep burning, sheering

Pure white rage like a newly forged sword

Fire so hot, your eyes and body burn just being near

Vengeful bacteria oozing from pores, trying to kill you

Stench so putrid that life around you dies instantaneously

Rage, fists clenched
Rage, eyes watering
Rage, voice gone

Day 16

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you

I never thought that I would say that GOD inspires me, but this year has been a year of GOD having a hand in my life daily. Growing up in a non-faith home was normal for me. While I would attend Sunday school with friends, I never belonged to a church of my own. When we moved here I found Trinity and that was totally GOD's doing.  I wasn't looking for him, he just found me.  Each day GOD pushes me to be a better person, to work through my frustrations, see through others eyes, and make me a better me. 

Sometimes it's too much

About eight months ago I experienced overwhelming fatigue.  It's hard to explain just how tired I was, but it is happening again.  Last time even though I would get 8 or more hours of sleep I would have a hard time staying awake at work. During my lunch break I would sleep and when I got home I would be in bed by 5:30pm.  I would sleep until 7:15 am and wake up just as tired.  I had blood work done that just showed by Vitamin D was a little low. I did a pulse ox overnight study to see if I possibly had periods of hypoxia (not breathing enough) and that came back normal.  I lost my appetite and my wanting to to anything.  Then one day I was fine.  Well it has now returned.  I'm exhausted!!!!  Last time it was okay because I just had work to worry about and I can pretty much do that in my sleep anyway, but now I'm working on my Master's Degree and it is not easy.  So far I have failed a test (55%) and did poorly (75%) on my paper. I have no desire or strength to read my material and be a functioning student.  BUT I HAVE TO BE.  Monday I had six cups of coffee and a 5hr energy shot (which lasted 15 mins), yesterday I had 4 cups of coffee and 7 glasses of water.  I was in bed my 7:30pm and slept until 7:10am.  I woke up feeling good but by 8:30am was exhausted again!!!  WTH..  I had my wonderful bff give my a shot of B12, but so far nothing is working.  I have homework to do and reading to complete, but all I can think about is how stinking tired I am.

How do you pretend to stay happy when your so miserable? This question is weighing heavily on me right now. I KNOW that things will get better and this is just a part of medical school but it's almost too much. Warning Rant Time:  This morning I asked S how prepared she felt for her blocks tomorrow (testing) and she said not great.  I asked her if she was going to study with her friend and she said "It's kinda hard to study with someone when you don't know the material yourself". WTF!!!! I know that it's A LOT of material,but you claim to have been doing nothing but studying and you are NOT retaining anything.  Sweet Jesus!!  I am trying to be a supportive spouse but the communication that we had is gone. S no longer tells me her thoughts, feelings, NOTHING.  When I try she just cries..  This is so frustrating.  So  back to my original question.  How do I pretend?  I really need to because S needs to focus solely on school or all this hard work and sacrifice on my part will have been for nothing.  I told S this morning that I am no longer going to share my feelings or opinions and walked away.  S came down stairs a few minutes later like nothing happened, so my take is that this is what she wants.

Day 15

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you 

die


Base Jumping

5 things I was never warned about before becoming a medical school wife

The school tried to prepare us (the spouse's) about the hardships we would face when our spouse entered medical school. They even have a "support" group for it, however, there are soooo many things that that didn't tell me and as I have entered into year 3 of this journey I'm learning them.

1. The week before the big test your spouse will become consumed with nothing
     but studying (I actually expected this) and will turn into someone you don't
     recognize.  They will be hateful, lazy, rude, and condescending.

2. You are NOT allowed to bring up problems in the marriage, finances,
     household chores, or anything else unless it has to do with how you can help
     them succeed in school...If you do, you WILL be blamed for any missed points  
     on assignments, bad grades, or just general bad days in class.

3. If your spouse encourages you to have a life outside of their bubble be warned
    THIS IS A TRAP!!!!! You will get the guilt trip from H&LL

4. If your spouse doesn't do well in school they can 5th year you (hold you back a
    year), kick you out, or make you repeat tests.  Needless to say we are on the 5th
    year track, which now means don't do well again..bye bye thanks for giving us
    your money but you are not going to be a doctor.

5. Unless you are ridiculously rich to start with, you will be below the poverty
     line...seriously?  I work a freaking full time job and we are still not okay!

Disapointment

It's really hard when your spouse tells you that they are disappointed in you and have been several times.  That word hurts almost more than it should. I know that I was told that medical school would change things but what I expected was not what is happening. It's much harder.

I'm mad and sad and in general just simply confused.

resuming the 30 Day Challenge... Day 14 (a year later)

Day 14: A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

She is my world. The most selfless person I know.  Words cannot even describe this person...she is priceless.  I love you S!!