Lysol Touch of Foam is awesome!

Omg you guys,  so as you know I'm a Bzz Agent and I got to try this new Lysol Touch of Foam and holy crap it was great. It not only coated both my hands, it made them smooth and I could smell the fragrance for about two hours after using it!  So excited.. This stuff is great!!  #GotItFree  #LovinLysol

Feeding my addiction

I am so totally addicted to reading!!  And since I'm no longer in school I have more time.. yay me!  So far in since mid January I have been reading up a storm.

I read:
A Million Little Pieces by James Frey- About Addiction (hahaha... not to books)

American Gods by Neil Gaiman

When you are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris

Heck: Where the Bad Kids Go by Dale Basye

Wow time gets away from me

Sitting here at my desk and I realize that I haven't blogged in a while...Shame on me!!

Much has happened since the beginning of the year. After two bouts of being very ill, two mental breakdowns and much more time feeling sorry for myself....I am admitting defeat.  I have never quit anything in my life until now.  S and my vicar say "You're not quitting you're just taking a break".  Well it doesn't feel like it to me.  I have decided to take a year leave of absence from graduate school.  I have so many mixed emotions about this it's still hard to write them all out.

Fear

Relief

Anger

Sadness

Happiness

Confusion

Numbness

I do have to admit that after I made the decision I immediately felt like a weight had been lifted off me. I still hate the fact that I am no longer working on my Master's and part of me think I won't go back, but right now, right at the moment it's what I need to do.

Soooo... since I don't have homework anymore. I have been reading like crazy.  I finally finished American Gods by Neil Gaiman, it was fantastic!  I also started and finished (two days later) A Million Little Pieces by James Frey and have started another book: When You Are Engulfed In Flames by David Sedaris.

On a side note:  I found my first white hair!!!!  Argh

Christmas in Wisconsin

S and I spent Christmas in Wisconsin with the in-laws.  We had a bad snow storm two days before we left and the Jeep runs so crappy. I was so worried. S showed up to my work to tell me that the Jeep was stuck in the parking lot.  Are you freaking kidding me!!!  It's a Jeep.

I was able to get the Jeep unstuck from the parking lot only to get it stuck in our parking lot at the house!!  Seriously!!!  I had to have someone take S home from school and me picked up for work on Friday morning. S spent the day digging the Jeep out of the ice and snow so that we could  leave Saturday morning to go to Wisconsin.  Luckily S was a wonder and got the Jeep on stuck.  We left for Wisconsin about an hour late, but off we went.  We took the dogs and the new puppy (for S's mom) on the trip. The drive was uneventful until about 20 minutes outside our destination when the piece that covers the under part of the engine tried to fall off. We had to bungee cord it together to make it to her parents house. lol

Upon arrival at S's parents we were greeted by Dad and brother, Mom was still at work.  It was very awkward. This is the first time that I have been under the same roof as them since S came out (S didn't realize that until we came home) not uncomfortable for me at all.

All in all things went good, but I was exhausted from them and I'm the extroverted one. I was happy to leave but it was a nice break from KV.

Too Much

It's just too much. I have no idea what the hell I did and apparently keep doing but I'm doing it wrong. I don't even know why I care so much. I shouldn't, not even one single bit. But I do, and that's bother the crap out of me. I am over thinking every single move you make or don't and over analyzing my reactions. I have prayed (but I guess not enough) to stop giving a damn about you.  I am so happy that I only have 162 more days here and then I never have to see you again. EVER!!!  I know that we are not friends (even though you say we are).  I know that I will be deleted off of things once I leave and that you will talk shit about me, but really do I deserve that?  When I met you I thought I finally have a friend here, someone that I could talk to, tell my stuff to and hangout with and for awhile it was cool. Now, ICE pure ICE. Maybe you don't even know that you are doing it but if you do then you are truly messed up.  I probably shouldn't even be posting this, but I don't know what else to do.

Day 22- A picture of something you wish you were better at (this turned into a vent session)

I have the best of intentions and usually can start something, stick with it for about a week and then WHAM it's gone!  I suck at Discipline. The funny thing is that I used to be the most disciplined person that I knew(people would comment on it all the time). In high school I was up at 6 a.m., be at school by 7:00 for color guard practice, attend all my classes.  I would have weightlifting for 3 hours and then Cheer leading practice for an hour and half after school. Not to mention my routine on game days(lots more stuff after school).

My eating was very disciplined as well. Always appropriate meals with the right amount of protein, carbs, and fats.  I got great sleep and my homework was always completed(ahead of time) and I worked part-time as well. 

Fast forward 16 years (holy crap I have been out of high school for THAT long!) and I have absolutely no discipline. NONE

I can clean the house (just one example) and promise myself that I will clean and keep up with the house( I even make a chore chart, yes at my age I still make choir charts) and I do great for about 3 days and then boom the house is trashed again. I'm totally upset about it, bitching and moaning, whining and crying, yelling and screaming to S, but do I do anything about it?  NOPE except make a list of all the things that I need to clean again (even though I have that damn chore chart).

I know that I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, but REALLY?  Does it totally make you a worthless human being that has absolutely no discipline at all? It sure seems like it.  How the heck did that happen? How could I have truly lost all my discipline? How the heck do I get it back? I want so badly to be that person that was sooo disciplined! 

Day 21- A picture of something you wish you could forget

                                                  At first I tried to think of things that I wish I could forget like my first marriage, being robbed at gunpoint, losing bean, losing my step-mom and my aunts, things like that.  But then I realized that all those events have changed my life in different ways. Some better, some worse but all with a learning experience. Today also helped me to remember some of the things that your mind lets you forget when your not trying to remember. So Nothing is the picture I chose.  I do not wish to forgot anything, NOTHING at all.