Too Much

It's just too much. I have no idea what the hell I did and apparently keep doing but I'm doing it wrong. I don't even know why I care so much. I shouldn't, not even one single bit. But I do, and that's bother the crap out of me. I am over thinking every single move you make or don't and over analyzing my reactions. I have prayed (but I guess not enough) to stop giving a damn about you.  I am so happy that I only have 162 more days here and then I never have to see you again. EVER!!!  I know that we are not friends (even though you say we are).  I know that I will be deleted off of things once I leave and that you will talk shit about me, but really do I deserve that?  When I met you I thought I finally have a friend here, someone that I could talk to, tell my stuff to and hangout with and for awhile it was cool. Now, ICE pure ICE. Maybe you don't even know that you are doing it but if you do then you are truly messed up.  I probably shouldn't even be posting this, but I don't know what else to do.

Day 22- A picture of something you wish you were better at (this turned into a vent session)

I have the best of intentions and usually can start something, stick with it for about a week and then WHAM it's gone!  I suck at Discipline. The funny thing is that I used to be the most disciplined person that I knew(people would comment on it all the time). In high school I was up at 6 a.m., be at school by 7:00 for color guard practice, attend all my classes.  I would have weightlifting for 3 hours and then Cheer leading practice for an hour and half after school. Not to mention my routine on game days(lots more stuff after school).

My eating was very disciplined as well. Always appropriate meals with the right amount of protein, carbs, and fats.  I got great sleep and my homework was always completed(ahead of time) and I worked part-time as well. 

Fast forward 16 years (holy crap I have been out of high school for THAT long!) and I have absolutely no discipline. NONE

I can clean the house (just one example) and promise myself that I will clean and keep up with the house( I even make a chore chart, yes at my age I still make choir charts) and I do great for about 3 days and then boom the house is trashed again. I'm totally upset about it, bitching and moaning, whining and crying, yelling and screaming to S, but do I do anything about it?  NOPE except make a list of all the things that I need to clean again (even though I have that damn chore chart).

I know that I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, but REALLY?  Does it totally make you a worthless human being that has absolutely no discipline at all? It sure seems like it.  How the heck did that happen? How could I have truly lost all my discipline? How the heck do I get it back? I want so badly to be that person that was sooo disciplined! 

Day 21- A picture of something you wish you could forget

                                                  At first I tried to think of things that I wish I could forget like my first marriage, being robbed at gunpoint, losing bean, losing my step-mom and my aunts, things like that.  But then I realized that all those events have changed my life in different ways. Some better, some worse but all with a learning experience. Today also helped me to remember some of the things that your mind lets you forget when your not trying to remember. So Nothing is the picture I chose.  I do not wish to forgot anything, NOTHING at all. 

Day 20- Somewhere you'd love to travel

Ireland 

Day 19- A picture and a Letter

I thought this was fitting for Advent. It creates so much imagery for my life.

A planetary nebula designated NGC 2818, photographed by the Hubble Telescope. By NASA, ESA, and the Hubble Heritage Team (STScI/AURA)

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness. God called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night." And there was evening, and there was morning - the first day.

- Genesis 1:1 - 5

http://blog.christianitytoday.com/images/2009/05/creation-day-one.html

The letter A: 

It is Advent season, the start of something new and the anticipation of something exciting.  This is how I feel about this season. I am learning to make peace with the things that have happened and look forward to the things yet to come! 

Day 18- A picture of your biggest insecurity

 

I swore to myself that I would never have a best friend again. I thought I was karmically destined to be alone in that department. I was right.  With the exception of only two people in my entire life, each bff has ripped my heart out and burnt it to a crisp. 

This time though I thought that I might be deserving of one and thought that I had found one, but just like the day changes to night so did this relationship. I am not so full of myself to think that I am totally the reason that our friendship has changed, but it's hard not too when you have been shut out without explanation. And in all reality maybe I am 100% the reason. I could just be that shitty of a person (I will definitely ponder that thought).

I have cried, yelled, and prayed that I would know why the friendship changed and what I did wrong but the answer is not coming to me. So now I am giving it to God and letting it go because these feelings I have are destroying me. I am now telling myself the truth for the first time that I have lost her and that just kills me. 

People are correct Karma is a bitch! and I must have been a terrible person (or maybe I am currently) in a past life and am just getting what I deserve.