Help for my church-please watch and share!

This is my church.  I don't live in Kirksville anymore but it's still my church.  It small but mighty and means more to me than words can ever say.  They are trying to get access to the building for all people, but the cost is great! We have raised about half the money but need help.  Please watch, share, and donate!!

Lobster Skin...I think Not!

As most of you know, I have very fair freckled skin and I ALWAYS get burned in all outdoor situations. I wear sunscreen constantly and the COPPERTONE® CLEARLYSheer™ suncreen works great especially on my scalp. I hated spraying suncreen into my hair to protect my scalp. It always made my hair feel sticky and matted.  Using the CLEARLYSheer™ Beach and Pool Spray on my scalp worked great!  I was able to spend the entire day outside and not have my hair feel sticky or matted AND no sunburn. I used the CLEARLYSheer™ Sunny Days while working in my garden and was amazed at how my skin was not burnt while I was done weeding and watering. Did I mention the smell.  It's jsut fantastic!  I don't get that "Yes, I just smothered my skin in Suncreen" smell which is a big deal since I have to apply frequently!  I would definitely suggest you go out and get some COPPERTONE® CLEARLYSheer™ products!!  #GetItFree  #BzzAgent

A letter to Bean

To my child that never came,

     This letter is long overdue, but lately you have been on my mind so much more than normal.  You know that I think about you everyday, but I don't normally cry and rub my belly wishing you were still inside me growing.Today is one of those days.  I don't know why now almost seven years after losing you I'm so affected by your death, but I am. I have heard people say that you really don't know what love is until you hold your baby for the first time. Sometimes that statement makes me so angry!  I DO KNOW, DAMN IT!  At least I think I know.... but really I don't know.  I have no idea whether you were a boy or a girl (although my gut tells me you were a girl). I don't know what you looked like, smelled like, felt like, nothing.  Sometimes I'm jealous of those you have been able to hold their child even though their child died.  I feel extreme guilt for thinking that as well.  I feel like I should be thankful that I didn't have to buy you a casket, have a funeral, or anything like that. Just writing these words to you I'm crying and feeling so many emotions. I miss you Bean, I love you so much and I always will. I know that you left me so that I could escape from a very horrible relationship in which I would have eventually ended my life and that would have meant you would have had to stay with your father. I'm so thankful to you and God for that, but on days like this I have a hard time dealing with this fact.  My womb is empty and will always be.  I will never have a child, you were my one and only, NO wait you ARE my one and only! I wear a band around my wrist that says "Mom of an Angel". My foot is tattooed with your name so that I can see you everyday. I miss you so much and I wonder what it would be like if you were here.  You would be turning seven this year. Seven, wow!  I know you know this but I still have to tell you.  I wanted you very badly, I prayed for you and was so devastated when you left me. I was so angry at God and Danny and myself.  I thought about everything I have ever done wrong in my life and wondered if this was God's punishment for that. And even though my relationship with God has changed and improved, sometimes like today, I still wonder. I found this poem that I think really speaks to how I feel about losing you I hope you like it. Forever your mother.

My Angel Baby

© Heather

I never got to see your eyes,

or hold your hand, or hear your cries.

All I have are dreams of you,

those of which, will never come true.

My heart sank the day that I knew,

I would never get to meet you.

I had made plans, and had aspirations,

if only I had a little more patience.

I never thought the Lord would take you

away from me so soon.

But, I'll never forget that dismal day,

around two in the afternoon.

The day I knew something was not right,

and through many tears I would have to fight.

Now, all I do is dream every night,

about what life would have been like.

What if you really had been born?

But all we have a dreams of that,

and all we can do is mourn.

We will not mourn for you though,

because we know you're where you need to be,

even though it isn't here with me.

You are my angel baby because God wanted you with Him.

Now, forever with his angels, His praises you will sing.

None of my dreams for you will ever come true,

because of that day God chose to take you.

But, my angel baby you will always be,

in my heart forever, forever a part of me.

Source: My Angel Baby, Baby Death Poem http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/my-angel-baby#ixzz2TbOi8g8Q 
www.FamilyFriendPoems.com 

Lysol Touch of Foam is awesome!

Omg you guys,  so as you know I'm a Bzz Agent and I got to try this new Lysol Touch of Foam and holy crap it was great. It not only coated both my hands, it made them smooth and I could smell the fragrance for about two hours after using it!  So excited.. This stuff is great!!  #GotItFree  #LovinLysol

Feeding my addiction

I am so totally addicted to reading!!  And since I'm no longer in school I have more time.. yay me!  So far in since mid January I have been reading up a storm.

I read:
A Million Little Pieces by James Frey- About Addiction (hahaha... not to books)

American Gods by Neil Gaiman

When you are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris

Heck: Where the Bad Kids Go by Dale Basye

Wow time gets away from me

Sitting here at my desk and I realize that I haven't blogged in a while...Shame on me!!

Much has happened since the beginning of the year. After two bouts of being very ill, two mental breakdowns and much more time feeling sorry for myself....I am admitting defeat.  I have never quit anything in my life until now.  S and my vicar say "You're not quitting you're just taking a break".  Well it doesn't feel like it to me.  I have decided to take a year leave of absence from graduate school.  I have so many mixed emotions about this it's still hard to write them all out.

Fear

Relief

Anger

Sadness

Happiness

Confusion

Numbness

I do have to admit that after I made the decision I immediately felt like a weight had been lifted off me. I still hate the fact that I am no longer working on my Master's and part of me think I won't go back, but right now, right at the moment it's what I need to do.

Soooo... since I don't have homework anymore. I have been reading like crazy.  I finally finished American Gods by Neil Gaiman, it was fantastic!  I also started and finished (two days later) A Million Little Pieces by James Frey and have started another book: When You Are Engulfed In Flames by David Sedaris.

On a side note:  I found my first white hair!!!!  Argh

Christmas in Wisconsin

S and I spent Christmas in Wisconsin with the in-laws.  We had a bad snow storm two days before we left and the Jeep runs so crappy. I was so worried. S showed up to my work to tell me that the Jeep was stuck in the parking lot.  Are you freaking kidding me!!!  It's a Jeep.

I was able to get the Jeep unstuck from the parking lot only to get it stuck in our parking lot at the house!!  Seriously!!!  I had to have someone take S home from school and me picked up for work on Friday morning. S spent the day digging the Jeep out of the ice and snow so that we could  leave Saturday morning to go to Wisconsin.  Luckily S was a wonder and got the Jeep on stuck.  We left for Wisconsin about an hour late, but off we went.  We took the dogs and the new puppy (for S's mom) on the trip. The drive was uneventful until about 20 minutes outside our destination when the piece that covers the under part of the engine tried to fall off. We had to bungee cord it together to make it to her parents house. lol

Upon arrival at S's parents we were greeted by Dad and brother, Mom was still at work.  It was very awkward. This is the first time that I have been under the same roof as them since S came out (S didn't realize that until we came home) not uncomfortable for me at all.

All in all things went good, but I was exhausted from them and I'm the extroverted one. I was happy to leave but it was a nice break from KV.

Too Much

It's just too much. I have no idea what the hell I did and apparently keep doing but I'm doing it wrong. I don't even know why I care so much. I shouldn't, not even one single bit. But I do, and that's bother the crap out of me. I am over thinking every single move you make or don't and over analyzing my reactions. I have prayed (but I guess not enough) to stop giving a damn about you.  I am so happy that I only have 162 more days here and then I never have to see you again. EVER!!!  I know that we are not friends (even though you say we are).  I know that I will be deleted off of things once I leave and that you will talk shit about me, but really do I deserve that?  When I met you I thought I finally have a friend here, someone that I could talk to, tell my stuff to and hangout with and for awhile it was cool. Now, ICE pure ICE. Maybe you don't even know that you are doing it but if you do then you are truly messed up.  I probably shouldn't even be posting this, but I don't know what else to do.

Day 22- A picture of something you wish you were better at (this turned into a vent session)

I have the best of intentions and usually can start something, stick with it for about a week and then WHAM it's gone!  I suck at Discipline. The funny thing is that I used to be the most disciplined person that I knew(people would comment on it all the time). In high school I was up at 6 a.m., be at school by 7:00 for color guard practice, attend all my classes.  I would have weightlifting for 3 hours and then Cheer leading practice for an hour and half after school. Not to mention my routine on game days(lots more stuff after school).

My eating was very disciplined as well. Always appropriate meals with the right amount of protein, carbs, and fats.  I got great sleep and my homework was always completed(ahead of time) and I worked part-time as well. 

Fast forward 16 years (holy crap I have been out of high school for THAT long!) and I have absolutely no discipline. NONE

I can clean the house (just one example) and promise myself that I will clean and keep up with the house( I even make a chore chart, yes at my age I still make choir charts) and I do great for about 3 days and then boom the house is trashed again. I'm totally upset about it, bitching and moaning, whining and crying, yelling and screaming to S, but do I do anything about it?  NOPE except make a list of all the things that I need to clean again (even though I have that damn chore chart).

I know that I have been diagnosed with clinical depression, but REALLY?  Does it totally make you a worthless human being that has absolutely no discipline at all? It sure seems like it.  How the heck did that happen? How could I have truly lost all my discipline? How the heck do I get it back? I want so badly to be that person that was sooo disciplined! 

Day 21- A picture of something you wish you could forget

                                                  At first I tried to think of things that I wish I could forget like my first marriage, being robbed at gunpoint, losing bean, losing my step-mom and my aunts, things like that.  But then I realized that all those events have changed my life in different ways. Some better, some worse but all with a learning experience. Today also helped me to remember some of the things that your mind lets you forget when your not trying to remember. So Nothing is the picture I chose.  I do not wish to forgot anything, NOTHING at all. 

Day 20- Somewhere you'd love to travel

Ireland 

Day 19- A picture and a Letter

I thought this was fitting for Advent. It creates so much imagery for my life.

A planetary nebula designated NGC 2818, photographed by the Hubble Telescope. By NASA, ESA, and the Hubble Heritage Team (STScI/AURA)

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.

Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. God saw that the light was good, and He separated the light from the darkness. God called the light "day," and the darkness he called "night." And there was evening, and there was morning - the first day.

- Genesis 1:1 - 5

http://blog.christianitytoday.com/images/2009/05/creation-day-one.html

The letter A: 

It is Advent season, the start of something new and the anticipation of something exciting.  This is how I feel about this season. I am learning to make peace with the things that have happened and look forward to the things yet to come! 

Day 18- A picture of your biggest insecurity

 

I swore to myself that I would never have a best friend again. I thought I was karmically destined to be alone in that department. I was right.  With the exception of only two people in my entire life, each bff has ripped my heart out and burnt it to a crisp. 

This time though I thought that I might be deserving of one and thought that I had found one, but just like the day changes to night so did this relationship. I am not so full of myself to think that I am totally the reason that our friendship has changed, but it's hard not too when you have been shut out without explanation. And in all reality maybe I am 100% the reason. I could just be that shitty of a person (I will definitely ponder that thought).

I have cried, yelled, and prayed that I would know why the friendship changed and what I did wrong but the answer is not coming to me. So now I am giving it to God and letting it go because these feelings I have are destroying me. I am now telling myself the truth for the first time that I have lost her and that just kills me. 

People are correct Karma is a bitch! and I must have been a terrible person (or maybe I am currently) in a past life and am just getting what I deserve. 

Day 17

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

I have two friends right now that I cannot express how much they mean to me. They are both people that I would have NEVER expected to care so much about, not because they are bad people but they are just so very different from how I was raised and what I'm used to. One of these friends reaches me on a level I can only describe and my long lost sister, my twin, my duplicate. The other friend has experienced some of the same loss that I have and knows my thoughts and understands them even when no one else does.  I hold these friends in the highest regards. They are my ROCK!!

I Feel.....

Anger....deep burning, sheering

Pure white rage like a newly forged sword

Fire so hot, your eyes and body burn just being near

Vengeful bacteria oozing from pores, trying to kill you

Stench so putrid that life around you dies instantaneously

Rage, fists clenched
Rage, eyes watering
Rage, voice gone

Day 16

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you

I never thought that I would say that GOD inspires me, but this year has been a year of GOD having a hand in my life daily. Growing up in a non-faith home was normal for me. While I would attend Sunday school with friends, I never belonged to a church of my own. When we moved here I found Trinity and that was totally GOD's doing.  I wasn't looking for him, he just found me.  Each day GOD pushes me to be a better person, to work through my frustrations, see through others eyes, and make me a better me. 

Sometimes it's too much

About eight months ago I experienced overwhelming fatigue.  It's hard to explain just how tired I was, but it is happening again.  Last time even though I would get 8 or more hours of sleep I would have a hard time staying awake at work. During my lunch break I would sleep and when I got home I would be in bed by 5:30pm.  I would sleep until 7:15 am and wake up just as tired.  I had blood work done that just showed by Vitamin D was a little low. I did a pulse ox overnight study to see if I possibly had periods of hypoxia (not breathing enough) and that came back normal.  I lost my appetite and my wanting to to anything.  Then one day I was fine.  Well it has now returned.  I'm exhausted!!!!  Last time it was okay because I just had work to worry about and I can pretty much do that in my sleep anyway, but now I'm working on my Master's Degree and it is not easy.  So far I have failed a test (55%) and did poorly (75%) on my paper. I have no desire or strength to read my material and be a functioning student.  BUT I HAVE TO BE.  Monday I had six cups of coffee and a 5hr energy shot (which lasted 15 mins), yesterday I had 4 cups of coffee and 7 glasses of water.  I was in bed my 7:30pm and slept until 7:10am.  I woke up feeling good but by 8:30am was exhausted again!!!  WTH..  I had my wonderful bff give my a shot of B12, but so far nothing is working.  I have homework to do and reading to complete, but all I can think about is how stinking tired I am.

How do you pretend to stay happy when your so miserable? This question is weighing heavily on me right now. I KNOW that things will get better and this is just a part of medical school but it's almost too much. Warning Rant Time:  This morning I asked S how prepared she felt for her blocks tomorrow (testing) and she said not great.  I asked her if she was going to study with her friend and she said "It's kinda hard to study with someone when you don't know the material yourself". WTF!!!! I know that it's A LOT of material,but you claim to have been doing nothing but studying and you are NOT retaining anything.  Sweet Jesus!!  I am trying to be a supportive spouse but the communication that we had is gone. S no longer tells me her thoughts, feelings, NOTHING.  When I try she just cries..  This is so frustrating.  So  back to my original question.  How do I pretend?  I really need to because S needs to focus solely on school or all this hard work and sacrifice on my part will have been for nothing.  I told S this morning that I am no longer going to share my feelings or opinions and walked away.  S came down stairs a few minutes later like nothing happened, so my take is that this is what she wants.

Day 15

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you 

die


Base Jumping